Sunday, March 9, 2014

Barf Etiquette

My dear, sweet children,

While it pains me that all three of you have been under the weather in the last week, it has also come to my attention that I've failed to teach you the ins and outs of being sick. Here are a few tips on how to barf without making mom and dad have to go to the (mental) hospital.


It would be good if you could get together with your brothers and work out a suitable schedule. Thank you for spacing Reed out a week before Calvin and Max this go-around. And sandwiching your ralphs around five snow days was a good move too. However, barfing events on the eve of a bonfire party and a child's birthday party is not great -- especially when you are running around like it never happened the day of the events and the healthy siblings and I have to sneak out of the house without you.

Don't tell your dad I said this, Max, but way to go blowing your chunks while mommy was running errands. Calvin, you could learn something from your brother. For example, don't wait until Dad goes outside to feed the animals and mom is about to get home. If you do, please act sick and lay down near your puke or go ahead and start cleaning up instead of going back to watching your movie with puke on your sleeve, m-kay?


Here is a list of acceptable barf targets:

- toilet
- standard-issue barf bucket
- outside

Please refrain from using these spots again:

- All over 2 pillows and the 7 million blankets you insist on being covered up with at night.
- Your almost-asleep baby brother
- The couch cushions, blanket, pillows and all other semi-permeable surfaces in the living room
- Corny Cornopolis, our beloved (so much so that we named him and wrote a song about him) corn pillow, whom we heated up to soothe your belly
- The carpet right outside the room where you left your barf bucket, particularly if that location is within easy shooting distance of the toilet
- The carpet right inside the room where you think Dad is, even though he most assuredly told you (while you were in a movie-induced stupor) that he was going outside to do chores

You all seem fine today, what with your bouncing around on the butt trampoline barf catcher couch playing Mario, but I never would have guessed that the last spew would occur mere hours after you were chasing each other around the house with battle axes. So, if there are more chunks in our future, know that I love you and feel for you, but PLEASE, PLEASE hit the toilet!


1 comment:

Deborah Raney said...

LOL! THIS is the only time a grandma is very happy that she lives far, far away! Glad everybody is feeling better now.