Tuesday, July 17, 2012

...The Rest of the Story

Well, I’m not the world’s worst mother, but I’m still pretty bad. A little bit after sarcastically posting about Calvin’s dramatic cannonball injury, I heard a bump in the boys’ room. Calvin was awake. At midnight. Calvin does not wake for ANYTHING (not to respond to Mommy alarm clocks, not to get out of car after a late drive home, not to pee in the potty) He was awake and his foot hurt. He was even coherent enough to ask for that “icthe sthingy” (we’re still working on the s factor). I got him an ice pack and set it up, fully expecting it to be kicked off by the time I returned. Nope. Sign #2 that his foot really did hurt. Sign #3 was when he was still limping the next morning. Well, limping, crawling, and hopping on his hands and good foot. I know those are all signs that would make most parents immediately call the doctor. We aren’t most parents. We’re both of the “rub some dirt in it” stock. Ryan frequently diagnoses our boys with Wussitus when they share their ailments. I believe that taking medicine or using band-aids are signs of weakness. And, we’re technically self-paid (found a little way around Obama Care called a health-sharing ministry. Stick it to the man!). And we’re cheap. And but for the strange methods of locomotion, Calvin was acting totally fine. We teetered between calling the doctor as soon as the office opened and waiting it out. Calvin asked for an ice pack at breakfast. I’ll call at 8:00. Calvin tricked Reed into stepping away from his rodeo set and made a mad “dash” to play with it (“You left!”) No doctor. Calvin munched it halfway to the rodeo. I’ll get the phone book. Calvin decides that he wants a cast because, “then I’ll get a sucker and a sticker!” Never mind.

But by 9 we could tell he was definitely hurting. I think it was his protest that he was fine and could walk normally that finally convinced us. His "normal walk" resembled that of Peg Leg Pete. Ryan insisted we have it checked out. I guess we know who’s the soft one. (Although later, he made comments that make me wonder if he was more worried about his future athletic career than his actual foot health…) In the hours before our appointment, we found out a bit more about the infamous incident. It turns out that it was the blue carpet that inspired the whole swimming pool idea (yet another reason why we need to replace Grover). Also, Calvin wasn’t swimming alone. Reed admitted to doing a few tricks himself. “I did a pretend dive.” I guess we’re lucky it’s Calvin who does everything full-throttle. Of course we gave numerous lectures about the appropriateness of jumping on (and off) the bed and the absorbent properties of water compared to those of ugly blue carpet. But even though the boys nodded their heads and agreed, I still won’t trust them in our bedroom anywhere unattended for a while.

As soon as we arrived at the doctor, the nurse said to Calvin, “I heard you did a cannonball off the bed!” He made a typical Calvin face (Sorry, they can’t be described. If you know him, you know the face…) Otherwise, the doctor’s visit was uneventful. A little “does this hurt?,” a couple X-rays, good news and we were on our way. Honestly, it made me regret taking him to the doctor. We paid $179 to have someone tell us he had a bruised foot?! Well, to be fair he did also give the boys stickers. And suckers. And a lecture on cannonball protocol. On second thought, it was worth every penny.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Rough Night for Cal Cal

Poor Calvin. He’s had a rough night. First I made him pick up toys, cruel woman that I am. Then, when he staged a not-so-peaceful protest, I issued the “one spankin’ for every toy left when the timer dings” threat. If he could have seen the toys, it wouldn’t have been so bad. But would I point them out to him? No, I would not. And so he was unable to find them without much searching and crying. Fortunately, right before the timer went off, several of the toys must have made their whereabouts known or something, because he managed to find most of them at the last minute and escape with only two swats. I heard him sobbing and talking to the mirror in the bathroom (brings back memories of my own childhood…), so I eavesdropped.

“…I can never figure out where the toys ARE, because Mommy never SHOWS me where they are, because she’s MEAN! I don’t want her to be mean, but she doesn’t do it! That’s why, because she hates me! (sob)”

When he came to find me casually sitting on the couch, (where I had been the whole time, because I certainly wasn’t outside the bathroom door laughing at him), he walked with a severe limp. Each drag of the foot was accompanied by some type of whine or cry. I ignored the limp, of course. That’s protocol for injuries around here. Especially severe ones. But he was still limping after tooth-brushing and story time. So, I asked him about his ailment. He sniffled that he and Reed were playing in our bedroom and Reed said that the bed was a swimming pool, “And I did a cannonball, and now it hurts right here.”  Is it bad that I had a hard time not laughing out loud?  I’m gonna feel like the world’s worst mother when I find out he has a stress fracture tomorrow. I just hope he doesn’t have anything that requires a cast. Calvin and crutches? New worst nightmare.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

What to do if You Have Squash Coming Out of Your Ears


-          Force hire child laborers to harvest for freezie pops.
-          Substitute for eggplant to invent “Squash Parmesan.”
-          Trick your pirates into eating “Doubloons.”
-          Fry in butter with cinnamon and brown sugar – unless you have apples coming out of your ears, too.
-          Cut into every dish.
-          Chop into massive vat of salsa
-          Puree’ a huge batch and freeze in baby food jars to sneak into sauces, pancakes, and baked goods (a’ la Deceptively Delicious).
-          Cut into medallions, freeze on cookie sheets, then bag and store in deep freeze.
-          Pick them smaller and smaller each day
-          Get really picky about bad spots and seedy portions.
-          Giggle with glee when some in the fridge are too soft to use.
-          Send home with neighbors, friends, and family.
-          Rejoice when the goats get loose and tromp through the squash patch.
-          Hack off wayward vines. Laugh an evil laugh.

Whatever Parmesan

I discovered eggplant parmesan two summers ago and I have never been the same since. Holy crap, I love that stuff! Sadly, the Little Bits do not share my affection for the pretty purple gift from heaven above. In fact, I think they’re convinced it’s of the Devil himself. Last year, I basically said, “too bad, doodads” and forced them to endure eggplant parmesan once a week because “We don’t just make meals to make you happy. Mommy wants to eat food she likes, too.” But this year, I decided that Mommy also wants to enjoy said meal without enduring a monologue about how evil eggplant is, why it’s cruel to serve it at every meal and am I really going to make eggplant donuts tomorrow? So, I pulled a simple sub and came up with this baby. They were skeptical at first, but Ryan wisely called it "Doubloon Pizza" and they were willing to try a bite. It got a thumbs up from Reed, several grunts and “muh”s from Max, and no comment from Calvin, which in my book is a win.

Eggplant/squash parmesan

-          Eggplant and/or squash (I do half and half, and make sure not to accidentally cut eggplant into the turds’ serving. They have hawk eyes for purple!)
-          Spaghetti or marinara sauce (1 jar)
-          Mozzarella cheese, shredded or sliced, but lots and lots
-          Parmesan cheese
-          Basil

The traditional recipe calls for breading and frying the veggies. De-li-cious! But, that isn’t as healthy and takes a long time. So, I slice mine into thickish medallions, shake in oil, salt and pepper, and lay out on a couple of cookie sheets. Then I bake them for about 10 mn at 400 degrees until they’re slightly soft. Then, grease a pan and layer the ingredients up like lasagna. I don’t think the order really matters. As long as you put buttloads and buttloads of mozzarella cheese in there somewhere, it’s gonna be yummy! Bake at 350 degrees for 15-20 mn or until it’s bubbling and gooey.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

What to do if You Have Apples Coming Out of Your Ears


      -          Hire some child laborers to pick up the bounty (they’ll work for freezie pops)
-          Eat apple slices with every meal and for every snack
-          Make Calvin’s favorite, “Apple Chris,” four times in two weeks
-          Fry ‘em in a skillet with butter with cinnamon and brown sugar. Call it a side dish so you can still have apple chris for dessert.
-          Cut apples into your massive vat of salsa.
-          Artfully arrange apples in pretty bowls and colanders.
-          Thank God for his bountiful blessing.
-          Hide five-gallon buckets in the pantry.
-          Start every conversation with, “Could you use some apples? Please!?”
-          Have a party at your house, then barricade the driveway until all the guests have taken a bag.
-          Flag down your neighbor when he’s going to check on his cows. Insist he take the 5 gallon bucket you and the child laborers are in the process of filling. Score a trade of fresh ground beef!
-          Teach a Sunday school lesson about the fruits of the Spirit. Serve apple slices and dip during the lag time while the preacher drags out the alter call. Send Galatians 5:22-23 home attached to an apple – or two – or Would you like to take a bag for your family? Please!?
-          Pray that God save some of the bounty for later.
-          Go on apple-picking strike for a day – or two, secretly hoping that more apples will go in the “goats and bunnies” bucket than in the “anywhere you can find room in my kitchen” bucket.
-          Store apples spread out on bath towels on the kitchen floor. Pray no one comes a-callin’.

-          Get pickier about quality, sending more to the goats and bunnies
-          Turn a blind eye when the youngest laborer accidentally puts a good apple in the “yucky” bucket.
-          Turn a blind eye when the child laborers have apple fights.
-          Assist child laborers when they concoct a sling-shot/apple/goat pasture scheme.
-          Peek out the kitchen window, cheering at ducks and squirrels pecking and nibbling, and cursing silently at new falling objects.
-          Cut up and freeze gallons for winter “chris’s”
-          Make cinnamon apple poppers
-          Curl up in a ball and cry.

Stay tuned for “What to do if You Have Squash Coming Out of Your Ears.”