Epic Board Game

Today was yet another super-relaxing snow day. And the fact that I'm blogging at 3 a.m. should be an indicator that I'm in for another day off tomorrow. So why does my head hurt?

Probably from playing this game with my two oldest.

Game name: Heroica (apparently after a real game)

Set up:
- Make tiny player guys (2 per player) and bad guys (a bunch). Arm each with a sweet Lego weapon.
- Make "hero packs" for each player. This can be any kind of device, but keep in mind its purpose is to hold loot. Weapon hooks and bowls to collect jewels (and cats) are highly encouraged.

Someone is optimistic with his hero pack construction

- Attach two large Lego base plates together, then cover with a buttload of random Lego pieces and bad guys.

Rules:
Disclaimer: I'm pretty sure these rules were mostly made up as we went along, but the boys must have some sort of secret language, because they were able to explain each decree in tandem, complete with laughing at me for not understanding the logic.  Also, be warned that the complexity of this game rivals that of the games my brother introduces my family to every Christmas - the games that take an entire week of playing and discussing among nine adults to begin to fathom.

- Each player takes a turn moving one of their two player pieces. A basic turn consists of rolling dice (or "accepting the offer" of the dice thrown across the room from a neighbor if you like what it landed on) and moving that many Lego dots in any direction. Or you can jump over objects, but not too far. Or you can shoot stuff or buy stuff or trade stuff or blow stuff up, but you don't necessarily have to do it during your turn.
- When you come upon a random item on the board, you get it or fight it, or jump over it, or go through it. Items include:

These items are actually all pictured in the best hero pack of all. Note the game-winning (or not) reachy thingie near the bottom. 

-- food - for energy; You have to have, like, at least two. What happens if you have less than two, you may ask if you've been playing the last 10 rounds with only a banana? "That means that in a matter of time, one of your guys will have to leave," says game master Reed.
-- bad guys - roll the dice. If you get a 4, 5, or 6, you win and get to remove the bad guy from play and keep his weapon. Anything less than four results in moving back one space. There is one ultimate bad guy who has to be beat three times in a row.
--weapons - to add to your hero pack; seemingly useless, until the rule masters reveal halfway through the game that you can use guns or bows to shoot things. They may be used eight times and you may shoot at any bad guy five spaces away (except the ultimate bad guy) or at any item you want anywhere on the board. A hit results in getting that item for your hero pack. (Hint: Don't shoot lava. You don't get lava. And don't ask why, or you'll get this face.)
-- binoculars - can be traded for energy or used to make you see bad guys from farther away (which provides no advantage, btw)
-- jewels and money - to buy stuff at random times for random prices; or they could be ammo, cleverly disguised as emeralds. In this case, you will be mocked for not knowing the difference - or knowing that you could have been shooting things with your cross bow up to eight times.
-- pets - add them to your hero pack; Use them up to three times to move an extra six spaces.
-- dynamite - blow up stuff and keep it; Use it, like, three times.
-- reachy thing - use this long item to possess anything within it's range; Unlimited use.
-- obstacles - lava, fences, etc may be jumped over; doors may be opened if you first possess the key by beating the bad guy who guards it
-- trophies - for bragging rights - and to hold your jewels/ammo

Winning the game:
- The player who kills the final bad guy by rolling three successive rolls greater than three, wins...
- ...the chance to get the map. The player who acquires the map, wins...
- ... the chance to race to the pole that just got added to the game board by the battle winner who got beat to the map by another player who cleverly used her reachy thing to capture it first. The player who gets to the pole first, slides down it and claims victory, which results in an arm-wrestling competition to distract the sore loser, who may or may not have won before the pole element was added to the game.

Confused? So was I. But I'm not outlawing the game until blood is shed. That sucker kept them entertained half the day. I was only in on one round, then found convenient excuses to bow out of future sessions. My last distraction was inviting them to participate in a whole-family Zumba  party. Everyone, even Daddy, joined in the 20-minute series of routines. But that is a post of its own...