Not-So-Great Expectations

Our local booster club is hosting a 5K fundraiser next weekend. Under great duress, I signed up for it. I guess it would be pretty bad if the track coach/wife of the cross country coach didn't support 1) the booster club and 2) running. However, lest there be any unreasonable expectations of this track coach/wife of the CC coach, let me point out a few things:

- Yes, I ran track in high school and college, but I was a hurdler (100 meters) and jumper (70-80 feet down a runway). The longest race I ever ran was the low hurdles - 3/4 of a lap around the track in high school, and I begged my coach not to make me do it at every. single. meet.  Also, that was 17 years ago. Also, I have had three children since then.
- Yes, my hubs is a stud. But last time I checked, spousal abilities don't transfer. Ask Ryan to sew some curtains (or pick his clothes up off the floor) if you don't believe me.
- Yes, I coach track. And I thought I would get in shape from the endeavor, too. But when you miss the running portion of the work out because you're driving 40 miles round trip to pick up your munchkin, that doesn't happen. The only thing track did for my physique was cause me to eat more McDonald's and give me less time to run it off.
- Yes, I volunteer in the weight room, but the bench press doesn't make running any easier.
- Yes, I ran a 5K a few years back, but that was the ONLY time I've ever run nonstop for 30 minutes. Any other jogs involve walk breaks every 5-10 minutes.
- Yes, every week I yell stuff like "Power up that hill!" and "Come on! Show them what you're made of!" and "You gotta move on that pack up there!" at Ryan's team, but for that, I now apologize! (Please don't give me a taste of my own medicine next weekend, guys!)

I went for a jog today to see if I could still run 30 minutes without walking. The good news? I did it! The bad news? The pace was so slow, it'll probably only get me about 0.5K.

Maybe next year the booster club will have a pie-eating contest fundraiser. Then I can really show them what I'm made of!

How to Have Empty Laundry Baskets Every Day

Laundry is the bane of my existence. It is a meaningless, frustrating, multiplying, never-ending chore. I still haven’t learned not to get excited when I see the bottom of the dirty clothes hamper, even though EVERY TIME IT’S HAPPENED (all two of them), IT’S BEEN FULL THE VERY NEXT DAY! My mom tells me it will not always be this way, but she also tells me it will be a lot worse before it gets better. Right now their clothes are little and they have yet to develop B.O. Just wait a few years…

But I have recently employed a new trick that at least keeps two of our three clean clothes baskets empty. Here’s the step-by-step tutorial:

Step 1: Have kids (actually, if you skip this  step, you’re already better off, as far as laundry is concerned, so we’ll assume you’ve already surpassed step 1)

Step 2: Survive the infant and toddler years (may the force be with you)

Step 3: When your kids hit age three or so, start having them “help” you put away their laundry. This will not be helpful in any way and will undoubtedly decrease your laundering effectiveness, but it will be worth it in the long run. Don’t skip this step! Eventually, they’ll figure out how to wrestle that hanger into a shirt collar and how to fold a pair of pants wad up a pair of pants and get it in the right drawer.

Step 4: When your kids are all four and above, periodically ask them to put away “20 articles of clothing” before they get to do something they care about, like reading a story or eating. Challenge them to race each other. Encourage siblings to take misplaced articles and throw them in their competition’s laundry basket while saying, “In your face!” Simultaneously, get your kids to become deprived tech addicts by having lots of technology available, but only permitting limited screen time.

Step 5: One summer, decide to give your kids a 10-minute “bonus technology turn” IF they empty their laundry basket for the day.

Step 6: Sit back and relax, but try to pretend that this isn’t happening:

Mommy Workouts

It is well-documented that my work-out efforts have been sporadic since becoming a mother. Being fit? A definite dream of mine. Working out? Ain’t nobody got time fo’ that!  Even with a return to coaching (track - with the hubs!), I’ve been less active most of these last 12 months than I have been--ever! But a few recent incidents/revelations have me back on an uphill swing. First, at Ryan's Dash of Color fundraiser, this stud of a mom: 

photo taken by Karen Belcher of Crooked Creek Ranch Images

pushed her two sons in a double jog stroller for the whole, hilly 5K race and beat half of the Cross Country team! A week later, my friend Laura, the triathlete/Boston marathon runner started a blog with this post. I know I’m never gonna be of the 4 a.m. variety, but she still inspires me to up my game at least a little bit. Finally, I went to summer weight training for my school’s athletes and was super impressed with one of the other female coaches, who has been training hard since having babies and not only looks great, but also beat me in 40 meter sprints even though I’m a track coach and she was being trailed by her 18 month old.

I may not be as hardcore as these women, but they have inspired me, and I thought that maybe I could offer moms of youngins, a few workout ideas from my stunted past to get started. When it seems like all you do is care for children all the time, all the days of your life, some exercise is better than no exercise.

• Zumba, Just Dance Kids, or any other active video game, especially if it’s competitive and you have little pros for your competition. You wouldn’t think you could work up a sweat blocking leaks in a janky aquarium under the sea, but I’m here to tell you, you can!
• Kiss attack - chase your “way too cool for a kiss” boys around the house and wrestle them to the ground so you can plant a wet one on their cheeks. Realize you may be faster than them, but they can corner a lot better than you!
• Take your kids on walks, but race them up (or down) every hill. Circuit training with built in trash talkers!
• Dump your kids in a muddy ditch at the bottom of a steep hill and tell them to play to their little heart’s content. Hike up and down the hill as many times as you can make it--or until someone has to go poop.
• Help your little monsters wrestle Daddy. Get really ticked off about how much stronger he is than you as you struggle to get out of submission holds. In vain. With three helpers.
• Run laps around your house, stopping every 3 minutes to do push ups, sit ups, crunches, lunges, etc. for 2 minutes before running again.  
• Trampoline circuits - 1) Put kids down for a nap, 2) Jump on the trampoline for 10 minutes, followed by jogging near your house for 5 minutes, 3) When your big kids come out to see what’s going on, let them join in the trampoline time, but only one at a time so you can keep your jumping more vigorous. Try to “knock me down and keep me down” or “rocket launch me.” Also, try not to cuss out loud until you’re out of earshot on a jogging portion of the workout. 4) Die a thousand deaths.

One day, your kids will be old enough to drag with you to the weight room for summer conditioning. You will do box jumps beside your kids and high school kids and feel like you are REALLY working out again. And then you will thank the good Lord in heaven above when your little one has to go poop. A “final wipe” will never feel so rewarding!

Public Apology

I started to compose a private message on facebook to the four people who would be visiting my house this weekend in my absence. I wanted to apologize for the fact that they will need a machete to get through the lawn. Then, I realized that I owed my neighbors an explanation as well. You see, while we were home during daylight hours on Sunday and again today, it rained both of those days and, so, our grass has not been mowed in two and a half weeks. Yes, like all responsible homeowners, we turned our sheep loose in the yard to help the issue, but judging by the looks of things, they are doing just as much fertilizing as they are eating.

You see, we have been runningnonstopforthelastthreemonthswithbarelyaminutetobreathe. Ryan and I have been coaching track together, which has been AMAZING! But baseball season just started as well, so Ryan is coaching/helping coach four teams. One is made up primarily of four year olds and one is made up of teenage boys and girls. 'Nuff said. We've eaten supper at home about as often as the boys have showered (I'll let you guess the number). I bought yet another set of sheets because it was physically impossible to keep up with the bed wetter. Last night, Max rolled up to the ball fields stylin' in clothes from Mrs. Pam's "orphan box."  I don't remember what the bottom of our trunk, sink, laundry basket, or coffee table looks like. In fact, there could be a small child hiding under any one of those aforementioned piles and I wouldn't even know it.

But, glory hallelujah, school's out for summer! It's been an awesome year, but I must say I've never been more happy to say the "s" word! It is 4:30 and we are home! There is no practice or game tonight (a minor miracle!) I have big plans to hide the junk and chisel the toilets clean straighten up the house, but here I sit typing this post, so we'll see.

I guess what I'm saying is, please don't judge the Layton book by its sticky, water-damaged, torn cover! Our sink may be overflowing, but so is our life right now. Come back and judge us in a week, after we've all had a chance to be home together for awhile... Actually, on second thought, let's not do that. You can come check out our house and yard in roughly 14 years. It'll be lookin' good then.

1 Corinthians 13 - the Queen Tobi version

And now I will show you the most excellent way. If I teach the most eloquent lessons, but have not love for my students, I am only a resounding school bell. If I go over a hurdle with perfect form and do box jumps on the top box without embarrassingly bruising the heck out of both shins (hypothetical situation, of course), but have not love for my athletes, I am nothing. If my house is spotless and my meals gourmet, but have not love for my husband and kids, I gain nothing.

Love is patient when shoes are missing. Love is kind, even when it really doesn’t care what Optimus Prime did in chapter three. It does not envy prettier, more tan women. It does not brag about how much more it does around the house than its husband. It is not too proud to look silly in front of others. It is not rude to annoying children. It is not self-seeking when it JUST WANTS TO BE ALONE! It is not easily angered by needy children and husbands’ rogue dirty laundry. It doesn’t keep track of how many times said laundry has been left out. Love does not delight in juicy gossip, but rejoices with righteousness. It always protects its family and the dignity of others, it always trusts God to handle every situation, it always hopes for the best for others, it always perseveres, even when it is bone-dog tired and up to “here.”

Love never fails.